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Location: Cantonment, Florida, United States

Well, uh, hmm...

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Interview with a Gecko

Recently, I had the pleasure of introducing myself to the hottest new cartoon character since Kwicky Koala. You've probably seen his face on the billbaords near your home, or along your highway. Yes, I'm talking about Glenn Gatsby the Gecko. He's the hippest of the hip, all the way from his sagging pants with the tail-hole to his studded tongue, which makes it difficult for him to lick his eyes.

I had been leaving messages with his agency for months, trying to get an interview, but my good friend, Roger Rabbit, warned me not to get my hopes up. "P-bbbbbblease, Paul. He's probably busy with that new Scarlett Johansson vehicle. The little punk, thinks it's the first time any cartoon characters have starred in a live action movie. I mean, hello?"

I didn't let myself become dejected, however, and began contacting some of his high profile costars, including one Timmy Turner, of Fairly Odd Parents fame. I sat down with him at length to try to garner any information I could about the elusive gecko. As I asked Turner what it was like working with Gary, he furrowed his brow, put his hand to his chin and remained silent for a moment. "Well," he said, "I don't think anyone knows the 'real' Gary. I mean, I've tried wishing for Gary to open up to me, but he still remains an enigma wrapped in a mystery. I'm quite taken with him." A pretty mature response for a boy who dresses in pink.

My break came when I spotted Gatsby at a clothing store on Rodeo Drive. His entourage was very protective, though the head bodyguard was an old friend, Peg-Leg Pete of Mickey Mouse fame. I begged him to let me have an interview as Gary's suit was being tailored. "Anything for you, old chum," Pete told me. "And by 'anything,' I mean give me fifty bucks."

One Ulysses S. Grant later, and I was in like Flynn. I sat down with Gary in a pair of posh leather chairs as Scully from Bloo's Gang brought us a pair of Rochefort Trappist Ales. Gary seemed relaxed, though his head did dart around quite a bit. He looked at me straight on with his left eye and checked out the store with his right. It was somewhat disconcerting, but that's to be expected. What did suprise me was his voice. Since all the roles he's had in the various television shows have been non-speaking, I didn't realize how much his tongue stud affected his speach. Let's just say his saliva glands worked overtime.

Paul: Gary, it's a pleasure to finally meet you.

Gary: It'sh a pleashure that ish all yoursh. (Slurps up his Rochefort by sticking his tongue through the mouth of the bottle, which is difficult because of his piercings.)

P: I understand that you don't like to give interviews, so I'd like to thank you for taking this time to talk to me.

G: Yesh. Don't let it happen again.

P: (polite chuckle) Of course, of course. I'd like to talk about your line of men's fashion, if I could. You were on the cover of the latest GQ magazine in a wonderful suit made of faux lizard skin.

G: It wash real.

P: I'm sorry?

G: The shuit, it wash real shkin.

P: And where did you get this skin?

G: It'sh mine. (Slurps more beer and licks both his eyes) Collected over three yearsh.

P: Fascinating. So, how is it that such suits can be made for mass production? You obviously don't shed enough skin to...

G: I'd like to anshwer that by changing the shubject.

P: Alright. Let's talk about your latest movie. I understand you're working with Scarlett Johansson. Tell us, what is she like?

G: She'sh the only pershon who truly undershtandsh me. Jusht like my lasht eight girlfriendsh.

P: I see.

G: Yesh, I think we could really be a great couple for the nexsht few monthsh. (Snatches a fly from the air with his tongue, though the fly gets stuck in his tongue stud.)

P: I've read that you have some lines in the movie. I know all your previous roles were non-speaking. Were you worried about talking on camera?

G: No, not really. I've been dubbed over by a fabuloush voishe actor.

P: Oh, really? Who?

G: Ernesht Borgnine.

P: Aren't you worried that his voice won't quite suit your character?

G: Baby, when you're ash hot ash me, you don't worry about anything. Beshidesh, we didn't have to pay him.

P: Interesting. So, what made you get into show biz in the first place?

G: My parentsh were in the moviesh, and I figured it would make shenshe to capitalishe on that.

P: Really? What roles have they played?

G: Handbagsh.

P: Ah, I see. Was it difficult living in the shadow of your parents?

G: No, it'sh hard to be upshtaged by clothing.

P: Disturbing. Now that you've established yourself as an actor and a fashion guru, what is your next major step?

G: I'm working really hard on animal rightsh. I feel, ash a gecko, that I have an obligation to help out my animal brethren. Plush, I get to act all shelf righteoush around people who don't give ash much ash I do. It'sh shomething I learned from my good friendsh Cameron Diash and Julia Robertsh.

P: I'm glad you give so much to a worthy cause, but you do realize you aren't actually related to real geckos, right? You're animated.

G: It'sh Hollywood, I have the money and the ideology that allow me to do and be whatever I want. Reality ishn't an isshue.

P: True. Well, I'd like to thank you for taking time from your busy schedule to talk to me.

G: I'd like to thank you for interviewing me, but I won't.

And with that, I was promptly thrown out of the building. Still, I am fascinated by Gary Gatsby the Gecko, there really isn't anyone like him. I've known a lot of cartoon characters over the years; Ren and Stimpy, Raphael from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Batman, Don Coyote, both Ignoramooses, and even an elderly Elmer Fudd. None of them had the sheer charisma of Gatsby.

So, with that, I hope you enjoyed reading my interview. If you see Gary when walking down the streets of L.A., run. Run away as fast as you can.


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