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Location: Cantonment, Florida, United States

Well, uh, hmm...

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Another fine day...

By gosh, it's another day and I actually feel like posting on this darn thing. I just realized I made a lot of promises my first day that I have to keep. Well, I guess I'll start off with something easy. Here's an exchange I envisioned as being something out of a MAD TV Abbot and Costello routine. It works well if you imagine "Kirk" as a young fellow walking along a dirt path, scratching his head as he looks at directions hastily scribbled on a used napkin written under the influence of Nyquil at four in the morning by an old Army buddy. He comes upon a dirty general store that has two bib overall totin' old fellers sitting on a couple of creaky rocking chairs that would go for a fortune on Antiques Roadshow, but instead are being used to elevate the combined 138 year old buttocks of these dirty old timers from gravity's harsh ways. Now that you have that lovely image in your head, enjoy the following:

Kirk: Excuse me, could either of you gentlemen tell me how to Horgslort?
Coot1: Well, let's see now, I reckon I could...
Coot2: You reckon you could? Do you "reckon" often? Do you also "dagnab" as well?
Coot1: Well, don't you reckon?
Coot2: I haven't yet gotten to the point where I can fully reckon.
Coot1: I can reckon. I am fully prepared to reckon.
Coot2: Well, I'm not prepared to reckon. It's too early.
Coot1: What does the time of the day have to do with your reckoning capabilities? I'm up now and I have no problem with reckoning.
Coot2: Yeah, well, you got up earlier than me.
Coot1: That doesn't make sense. Are you making any progress toward reckoning?
Coot2: I think I might, wait, wait, no not quite...
Kirk: Gentlemen! Please!
Coot1: Son, this doesn't concern you. Well, if you can't reckon, can you hornswaggle?
Coot2: I don't even know what that means.
Coot1: It's one of them old coot words we always use. I think it's a kind of pasta made from horns. And swaggle.
Kirk: I just want to know how to get to Horgslort!
Coot2: Well, why didn't you say so?
Coot1: He did say so.
Coot2: I was just saying that for comedic effect.
Coot1: Then you are a comedic genius.
Coot2: Son, you are in Horgslort.
Kirk: Really?
Coot2: No, not really.
Coot1: Son, you're about as quick as a turtle walking through molasses uphill with a lead safe on his back full of copies of War and Peace.
Coot2: Ooooh, good analogy.
Coot1: I know, I've been waiting for a chance to use it.
Kirk: Are you guys gonna tell me how to get to Horgslort?
Coot2: If you haven't figured it out by this point, we've just been messing with you. Son, I've never even heard of Horgslort.
Coot1: I've heard of it. I've even been there. It's where I met my wife. And my other wife.
Coot2: Why didn't you tell me that? I thought one of the signs of a good friendship is that people share things with each other. Ya varmint.
Coot1: What, you're Yosemite Sam now?
Kirk: Just tell me how to get to Horgslort!

And that's all the further I got. I think it came about after thinking about the two redneck fishermen in The Blair Thumb. By the by, this won't happen often, but I have just presented uncopywrited material FREE OF CHARGE. Enjoy it. And, if you are unsatisfied with it, you can return the unused portion for an item of equal or lesser value. Oh, and don't steal from it without my express permission. Of course, if you ask, it won't be stealing. So, uh, yeah.


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