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Well, uh, hmm...

Monday, September 25, 2006

'Nother Script

Ok, here's a concept I had for a show about a guy who hosts a talk show that features superheroes. I wrote three scripts, each takes about three minutes to go through, which, ironically, is about how long it took me to write them. You will be able to tell because sometimes the writing sounds unnatural or like it lost it's focus. It's certainly not streamlined, but I wrote it because I wanted to establish some characters and remind myself of the premise so I could go back and perfect it when I wanted. I just never got around to that. So, here's some background info:

Peter Simmons is a balding, aging tv show host who has gone nowhere in his career, but finally landed a semi-decent job interviewing superheroes. They don't respect him, and just see it as forum for publicity and a quick paycheck. His producer, Helen, doesn't like dealing with him, but since Peter has a tendency to get nasty with the guests, she sticks around to make sure he stays in line. Several characters that don't make it into this particular script are Larry, the inept sound guy, who has a terribly grating voice and personality, Steve, the laidback and ineffectual stage manager, and Rick Nelson, who works "in the booth" doing some unknown job, and always brings his son, Billy, who has no mouth/brain filter. I thought it would be funny to go one step further than movies like Mystery Men and make the superheroes not only commonplace, but secondary to the actual story. I have complete confidence that this idea will not get stolen because my readership is a cozy single digit number. Also, all ideas here are now copyrighted. And I don't know who'd really want it that badly. So, here's a little snippet of one of the interviews. For this episode, the board that controls the cameras has had coffee not just spilled, but poured all over it. So, the whole crew has had to move over to a neighboring set...

Peter Simmons: Hello, and welcome to “Inside the Superhero’s Mind”. There’s been a bit of a set change this week, as you can see. We are currently on the “Cooking With Oils” set, which the host, Gerard, kindly let us use. After we bribed him. And for some strange reason, the network also decided to let the audience from “Cooking With Oils” watch our program.
Audience Member: You aren’t Gerard, YOU SUCK!
Peter: You’ll have to bear with us folks, we’re not used to having an audience. Anyhow, my guest this week is a recognizable face, he’s been in countless television commercials, was Time magazine’s man of the year, and has been on every major talk show on basic cable, please welcome “Perfection” Guy Powers.
PG: It’s tolerable to be here, Paul
Peter: Peter.
PG: Interesting you assume I care.
Peter: So, “Perfection” Guy,
PG: Please, my friends call me Guy. You can call me Mr. Powers.
Peter: I see. Well, Mr. Powers, how come it took you so long to be on our show?
PG: Well, the truth is, I didn’t even know your show existed until last year.
Peter: So you didn’t watch it until last year? We’ve been on for over five years.
PG: I never said I watched your show, heck, I STILL don’t care about it. I can’t sit through five minutes of it. My agent said this would be good publicity.
Peter: (stunned silence, light applause from audience) Ok... well, how did you get your nickname “Perfection”?
PG: I’m Perfect.
Peter: That’s it?
PG: Yup.
Peter: Oh, come on, no person is perfect.
PG: I am.
Peter: Ok, well, going a little deeper than that explanation, who originally gave you the name?
PG: I did.
Peter: So, no one else gave it to you after noticing some heroic deed, you just started calling yourself “Perfection”?
PG: Yup. Perfect people can do that kind of thing. It's one of the cooler perks.
Peter: Let’s delve a little into your past. When did you first realize that you had what it took to become a superhero?
PG: It all started when I was five years old. One of my toys rolled under my Dad’s car. So, I picked it up and tossed it aside.
Peter: What, the car?
PG: Yeah, it went pretty far. Landed in some guy’s yard. Crushed one of those plastic pink flamingoes. That was pretty cool.
Peter: Was your dad angry?
PG: Who?
Peter: Your dad, was he angry?
PG: Oh, man was he ever.
Peter: What did he say when he found out what happened?
PG: I don’t know, he was in the car at the time. He knew what happened pretty quick, I guess.
Peter: Right. When did you first perform your first heroic act?
PG: Well, one day, when I was five, this guy kept screaming that his cat was in this tree. So, I ripped the tree down and shook the cat out. But was the owner grateful? No. He started yelling at me, and was all “You killed my tree” and “You were the guy who threw the cat up there in the first place.”
Peter: Fascinating. When did you first design your costume?
PG: Well, I believe I was five at the time. I was really into stuff like “Superman” and “The Flash” and “Cosmopolitan.” I wanted something that said “I’m strong, I’m fast, and I have good fashion sense.”
Peter: And of course you had to make new ones as you grew.
PG: No, no, I’ve been the same size since age three.
Peter: Lovely image. Now, I read in the newspaper recently that you got married, congratulations.
PG: Oh, yeah. “Married.”
Peter: What’s that supposed to mean?
PG: None of your biznotch, monkey boy.
Peter: Biznotch? What the heck does that mean? Helen, advanced knoweledge of ebonics was not part of my job description.
Helen: Keep going, Peter.
Peter: So, Mr. Powers, where is your wife? Is she here tonight?
PG: No, no. In fact, I really hope she’s not watching this.
Peter: Why’s that?
PG: Stay out of my personal life, toupee-jockey.
Peter: I don’t wear a toupee! This is my real hair! It’s just that the top part of my hair has kept its color better than rest of my head, that’s all.
PG: Fine, Captain Denial. Small, furry animals just crawl up and die on peoples’ heads like that all the time.
Peter: Wonderful. So where do you and your wife live?
PG: New York and Boston.
Peter: Oh, you guys have two homes.
PG: No, I live in New York, she lives in Boston.
Peter: Well, Mr. Powers, what was your first television commercial?
PG: I got to do the voice of Scotchy, the angry Scottsman. It was for this breakfast cereal that was supposed to be like “Lucky Charms”. It was called “Down and Out Whiskey-O’s.” The only problem was, our target audience of ages five to seven couldn't get the cereal. Some alcohol age limit or something. Also, they said Scotchy was too aggressive for beating a cardboard “Lucky” using a cast iron shillelagh.
Peter: I see. Well, we have time for one more question. Mr. Powers, what do you consider to be the hardest part of your job?
PG: Having to do shows like this.
Peter: That’s all the time we have this week on “Inside the Superhero’s Mind.” I’m your host Peter Simmons, and my guest has been “Perfection” Guy Powers. Stay tuned for “Cooking With Oils” with your host, Gerard.
Audience Member: GERARD RULES!


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